Under Pressure

Pregnancy is a blessing - and don't let anyone tell you differently! To form a life inside you and feel the little person moving inside is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I will not ask to trade it for anything. Along side the joys and blessings resides this underlying pressure that comes with being pregnant. My question is... was it always like this?

To me there are two different pressures that come along with having a baby: Not gaining weight and what to do about working after the baby. These are not given pressures of pregnancy, but pressures that, believe it or not, come from other mothers.

Number one thing I've heard since being pregnant revolves around the amount of weight gained during pregnancy. Whether it is from other women who say, "that's the number one thing I'm worried about when I'm pregnant," or moms who have had babies that say either, "You know... you're only supposed to eat an extra 200 calories each day," or "I got up to 200 pounds and never lost the weight." The question is this: How is your little bundle of joy? Isn't it wonderful loving someone so much it hurts? What was the best thing about squeezing your little one for the first time?

I am not a skinny woman. I will never be a skinny woman. And it is my firm belief that pregnancy is about the gift that God has given you to become a MOMMY to someone else and teach this little creature to love and fear the Lord - NOT about how I look. As I sit here and write this I am crying about how awful other woman have made me feel. My time being pregnant has been taken up by worrying about what other woman perceive me to be. Fat? Probably. But what I want my time to be taken up with is the joy of knowing that I will have child to call my own after all the pregnancy part is said and done.

So what to make of this? Well, I'm over 8 months pregnant and I want to focus on the birth of my baby. I'm SO EXCITED to become a mommy. No one should take that away from me. So to all those women out there that have EVER said anything about weight during pregnancy: SHAME ON YOU. And you have troubled my thoughts with feelings of inadequacy. You ruin the experience and joy of caring a life inside you for other women out there and you are just down right SELFISH.

Whew. Its good to get that off my chest.

The second pressure that creeps up on women who are pregnant is the question of what to do about your job after you have your baby. I have been a teacher for 3 years now, and love it. There are days and sometimes even years that are not the easiest. But when you make a connection with a student and give them the confidence to try something and learn new things it is on of the best feelings in the world. I can only imagine the joy of feeling that over a lifetime of teaching your own child. The hard part is - what if financially you are not really capable of having one solitary income?

I've asked a few women in my life what to do when next year rolls around. The major female influences in my life say stay home. My friends (women in the same type of situation as me), are encouraging and let me know that if I have to work, God will bless my kiddo no matter what.

Maybe its only an issue because I am supposed to stay home and the world is pressuring me to work. I don't know. One thing I do know is that God is working in me to do the right thing for our family - and he knows what is best for EVERY family. It is somewhat hard to hear the critics, but God is ultimately the one who knows what to do, and will bless us if we follow him.

I don't write this to get sympathy. I don't write this to really point fingers or make an excuse for my thoughts. I write this to clear my head and really reveal to (probably no one) my fears and struggles. I hope that other women out there who are expecting are overjoyed at what is to come - minus all the pressures. I know I cannot wait until that little baby gets here!

Time, who side is it on anyway?

One of my MANY faults is that I really am a procrastinator. I think this skill developed in college when I spent time with friends and Simeon rather that working hard on projects and things. Don't get me wrong I am a hard worker, but its usually in the eleventh hour and I am stressed beyond belief.

School has started and every year I try to make a goal of something I change from the previous year to this year so that I become a better teacher. This year my goal is to become less of a procrastinator with planning (obviously since I just talked about it). I have to say that it is a weird kind of non-procrastination that I've started, but it isn't as inefficient as I was last year. So far so good.

HOWEVER... today is labor day and I don't want to work on school at all! Here's the moment where goals can either become a reality or a big joke. What to do, what to do. Well, instead of doing work I'm writing a blog. In a few minutes instead of doing work I'm going to make some really good chili. Like I said, its not a BAD system - I'm getting stuff done, but is it what I should be getting done?

Well, wish me luck after supper - I am going to attempt to do my work. I'll let you know how it goes!

Expectations

I used to hate it when my parents would get upset after one of my shenanigans. The feeling of disappointment was the worst because you knew there was part of your innocence lost that you could never get back. They would ALWAYS remember what happened and how you, their precious kiddo disobeyed. I never really understood when it was pure frustration or disappointment coming - what was the difference?

I think I have recently figured out what the difference was. When you invest yourself in something or someone, you start to build expectations of what will happen. With teenagers you invest your whole self to try to help them to be someone worth being proud of. There are parts of you as a parent that fully expect that they will turn out okay. The pure anger comes when it is something that was just stupid and you know they are going to make mistakes no matter what. They are, after all, only teenagers that still have a lot of growing to do. The disappointment comes from the breaking of an expectation. You have it in your mind that you have done enough that they will at least be decent in ONE area, but then when they fail, you feel disappointed.

Maybe its partly disappointed in yourself that you didn't do more, but I think its more of a feeling like they aren't who you thought they were. Who is this stranger that could do such a thing? What more do they need in order to "get it?"

I don't have kids (yet), but I have recently experienced this with family. Did they really do that? After all that I've done? Did they really say that? Do they not care about anybody but themselves? What is this strange disappointing feeling coming over me? Will I ever forget that this happened?

Lucky for us God didn't act this way. He knew that we would mess up, and mess up BIG! He still loves us even though we are the kings and queens of disobedient acts. He still gave us eternal life through his son despite our ineptness. Do we take that for granted? You betcha! Should we strive never to disappoint God again? You betcha! Is he an amazing God of grace? You betcha!

So as I'm frustrated to no end about what happened, it is important for me to remember that God accepts us back. He may shake his head for a second, but then he opens his arms and says, let's try that again... I am going to work hard to be more like that.

Lip Smackin'

I don't know if you have ever really thought about it before, but Simeon and I just discovered this last night. We were trying to get our kitties attention, and I did the most natural thing I could and puckered my lips and smacked them to get their attention. You all know what I'm talking about. It's the little noise that you make when calling an animal... Anyway, Simeon could not do it!

Astonished as I was, I proceeded to teach him how to smack his lips like a kiss. Then it begged the question - what happens when you kiss? Are you a silent pecking type? Do you go for the gross wet lip lock? Or are you a tasteful smacker? I, Bri VandeZande, am a tasteful smacker. I like to hear the sound of a kiss. Simeon, if it was up to him is a silent smoocher. I'm not sure if it is even possible to make a sound when kissed by him UNLESS you do the smacking.

So this is my question for all of you - Are you a smacker? Or are you a silent smoocher? Think about it next time you give that special someone a kiss ;)

... and then let me know so I'm not the only smacker!!

Vacation from a vacation?

So many people say they need a vacation from their vacation. Why? The purpose of a vacation is to relax and enjoy a different view. If you truly need a time of rest from your vacation, then maybe the first one wasn't really a "vacation." I can understand if you did physical exercise the entire time, or if you need a nap from the jet lag, but really, a whole extra vacation?

Anyway, we just went on a vacation and it was awesome! We spent the first day at Mt Saint Helens, which was amazing. Its hard to believe that it just happened 30 years ago, and hard to believe that it wasn't more catastrophic. The second day we drove down the coast of Oregon. Now, I've seen the coast only once before in San Diego and it was cool there, but NOTHING compared to the Oregon coast! I am willing to see the Washington coast and the northern California coast, but so far Oregon is winning in this race. The third day we drove through some mountains to get to Cave Junction, OR, which is a cute little city. The rest of the time was spent with Simeon's extended family at his grandma's house. It was FUN! We also got to explore a huge cave in the mountains too. I was scared, but I totally did it!

Anyway - cool week and I don't need a vacation from my awesome one. I hope that all of you enjoy your vacation enough to not need another one. Enjoy the time God gave you and be ready for what he has in store for you next :)

Peace Out!

God's peace is awesome. Can I just say? Never in my life have I ever felt so assured that I am where I'm supposed to be, I am doing what God has called me to do, and I am excited that life is going to be crazy. Weird right?

So when I first started this blog I used the analogy of life being a big swimming pool that we all are learning how to navigate. Well, I'm past the last swimming lesson and I'm just starting to try it on my own, and I have to say - its awesome! I completely trust that God is going to provide, and I know that I'm in love and loved.

So try to find the peace in God this week - get peaced out!

Gag Machine

I was just thinking about our gag reflex this morning (yes, for obvious reasons), and how weird is it to have a gag reflex? I mean, God is a pretty good engineer to put us all together, but what about us told him that "well, I'd better give them something to warn them about throwing up." Not only that, but how did he design each of us to have different tolerances for the reflex. My niece used to gag at the sight of a marshmellow - I think it was the texture and the squeaky nature of the mallow. I gag when I'm hungry and REALLY need something to eat. Others gag at gross smells, others at gross sights. Its just weird, right?

By the way, I'm sorry if I made you gag just by reading this... that was not my intentions, but it is just the way your gag reflex is designed! Crazy!

Lame-o

So we went out to the fireworks with friends this weekend and I kind of felt like a lame-o. We sat outside ALL day in the hot sun, and so I wanted to go for a walk to the shade. I REALLY needed to get some shade. They all walked to get some ice cream, and if we hadn't seen them, we wouldn't have gone with. Sign of being lame already? maybe...

Then we we got back from ice cream, they wanted to go to the fair part of it - more time in the hot sun, and I wanted to just sit in the shade for a few more minutes. So they all went and Simeon stayed with me. We created a little tent to sit under and chill a little bit. When they came back I felt like they didn't talk to us as much and were kind of put off by it.

Here's the real truth - I'm paranoid about it, I know. BUT - I really felt like all day they thought we (and poor Simeon stayed with me) were super boring. There were REASONS I didn't want to be in the sun, and there were REASONS I was so tired, but these are things they just can't know right now. Grrr.

Anyway, this post is a true frustration about my own insecurities and I wish I could just explain myself to everyone. Really what I fear is that I am really a lame-o. Perhaps I am... I guess no one will ever tell me, so I will just keep on thinking I'm alright with a side doubt of lame-wad-ness always with me.

Grr.

All Choked Up!

Do you ever just get those moments where you get all choked up? I mean, I am a woman who feels - so of course it is bound to happen. But these moments are not tears welling out of sadness or hurting. It is usually out of joy or compassion for others, or sometimes even a moment that moves you to the core that you feel like you can't even sit still.

Well, yesterday, there was a moment such as that. Our church has been studying Galations and yesterday was the final study on it, and the whole message was the cross. The cross is the most important thing and it is the ONLY way we are saved. Paul prayed that he would boast in nothing but the cross - he prayed that he wouldn't even boast in boasting about the cross alone! After those moving reminders, we had the most moving worship session. I didn't know half the songs, but it was not the melodies that move me, it was the words.

Anywho, I really just hope you all feel moved to tears this week, and are ready to get all choked up. Its healthy - trust me.

Holy Smokes!

So we have 2 kitties - whom I adore! One of them is currently backing his little hinder up to lay down on my lap. When we were looking to get a pet, we thought about a dog (both of us someday want a dog) and we thought about cats (and you almost have to have 2 cats so they have company). So last November my hubby said there was a guy at work that has free kittens! Our decision had been made! Cats are nice to take care of, and they cuddle :)

Since introducing them to our family in November we have loved every minute of having them! They are rambunctious, cuddly, friendly and sweet. How can pets give a person such a warm feeling? Its pretty awesome. So here are our kitties - as awesome as ever!!

ironic?

Maybe its ironic, maybe its just plain unfair. Picture this: two women on opposite sides of the street. One, a short, fat woman is barely breathing while running - struggling beyond belief. The other, a tall, skinny woman taking a nice leisurely walk with her ipod trying to get tan. Clearly there is some sort of imbalance. There are some women that don't have to do a thing and they are they size they are. There are other women that can't do enough to reduce their size by a centimeter!

Good thing God created different roles for us. He designed us to be fat or skinny, blonde or brunette, freckled or dimpled. I feel like maybe its His way of saying, even though you are different and some struggle, some sail through, you are ALL children of mine that I love and that I sent my son to die on the cross for. He says, I want YOU (and all your qualities - good or bad) to be with me in heaven for eternity.

It makes me, the short, fat woman feel a WHOLE lot better about things :)

Feels like home

There is something about a small town that just instantly feels like home. I drive into every evening with a smile on my face. There are people out walking, running, and riding bikes. There are people working on their houses, pulling in after a long days work, and people buying groceries at the store.

Yes, these are all things that you can see anywhere in the US, but when Reedsburg they are all together, in a small area it just means so much more. Beautiful landscapes - awesome. Coastal views - awesome. Live entertainment everywhere - awesome. People like me enjoying life in an area just because they are living - THE BEST!

I think that is what makes a small town the best... people don't need all sorts of entertaining things to fill their time. They don't need the mountains to feel like they are living life. If they are around people they love in a place the feels like a home, then they are full of life.

Go Small Towns!

Stuck!

Sometimes I feel like we are all stuck. Stuck in a place that never sees change. We all want to change, we all want to have something new and better, but we get stuck. Three situations come to mind...

First, when we are in high school and college we have this idea of what our lives will look like when we are twenty something (I don't think we ever look to our thirties because that is just "not going to happen" in our minds). We idealize what we want to have happen in our lives. We want to have a career that we've worked towards. We want to get married and have a family, we want to have a house and decorate and take care of it. We want to go on trips and travel the world. We want to have a good time in everything that we do - most of us want some sort of adventure. Then... we get stuck. We think of all these things and somewhat work towards them, but do we REALLY try as hard as we can to obtain them? Do we really go on trips? Do we have the perfect little family WHEN we want? Do we pick the career that will excite us, or by the end of college do we pick the one that we started with or feel comfortable with? I think the key is to look at each day/week/month/year and think, "Am I doing what I love and dreamed of?" In my humble opinion, if you have accomplished half of what you dreamed, then you are doing pretty good. And if you have only accomplished half, then let God lead you to the rest - life's not over yet!

We also get stuck in "glass cage of emotions!" Meaning, we feel what we feel and its hard for us to shake. Over the years, I have learned that I am a competitive person. It is strange and it sounds terrible, but I don't always want things for the right reason. I want to be the first, the best and sometimes the only one that is going through something. For instance, in teaching, if I hear a student say that they LOVE another teacher that teaches the same thing as me, then I get competitive and try to make my classroom the best. With friendships we want to have a group of friends that are fun and have a good time, and when we don't have that, we try for better. We leave the group we were with and try to make new friends that show off that we are fun and have a good time. But the truth is, the competitiveness that I feel - its jealousy. Its coveting. Its changing who we are to fit something or someone else. When this happens, feelings get sacrificed. People get hurt. Most times it is not intentional, but it happens. So my advice - check to see if your image is that of Christ's and then love who he made you to be. If that means you are competitive, then use it to become the best person God designed you to be. Use it be the best at loving everyone. Use it to be the best at forgiving and forgetting so that you can enjoy every moment.

Finally, I think we get stuck as to what to do next. Do we move forward and let go? Do we take a nap instead of doing paperwork? Do we purchase that item or should we continue to save? Do we change what our life path is to be something radically different? The crazy thing is that there is not a single answer that fits. The key is prayer. If you pray about things and then feel like that is still the way to go - then go. If you pray about it and something is still not right, then wait. If you know that you are a lazy procrastinator, then do paperwork despite the desire to avoid it. Be in prayer so that you feel like you know what your life is and where it is going, and what you are doing is in check. With that, what could go wrong?

The intent of this blog originally started out as a frustration with another person in how they act. But through writing this, I am realizing that what I have - in Christ - my life, my family, my husband, my job, my emotions, my happiness, are what I have. Not what this other person has. I know that my life in Christ is going down the right path. That is all I need. I am not stuck. I am free in the Spirit and where it leads me. So get unstuck today! I don't think anyone reads this, but just try it! Get unstuck in something you feel is holding you back.

There is my fifteen cents worth (it was a little more than just two!)... Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

It has been SO long, but I wanted to wish everyone a VERY Merry Christmas!

Living on the Edge!

Oh Steven Tyler... I sometimes wonder why artists write the things they do. What made Aerosmith write a song about there being something wrong with the world today, and therefore we are living on the edge. This is what my song about "living on the edge" would be about:

School is about to start. I have to return next Monday. My summer is staring me right in the face - what did you accomplish? Well, thanks to my mom, I can say that I got some craft projects done!! I also did some work for school (granted it was within the last three days). My edge is that there is three days of summer left, and what will I do with the time? Will I be ready for school and students? Will I be the most tired I've been in a long time? (In the best Steven Tyler scream I can muster...) Living on the edge!

Tomorrow is our triathlon. My first triathlon ever, and I'm feeling nerves that I thought would at least hold out until tonight when I won't be able to sleep. I think I'm just excited to see if all my hard work this summer will pay off and help me to finish in less than 2 hours. When I train for things like this, I try to set a goal so that I can have a focus and keep up the work. However, now that it is less than 24 hours away (hence the edge), I am afraid that I will fall short. Will I make it? Living on the edge!

We are going to have a house in a week, and I need to start packing. I am so excited to have our own place! God really has blessed us this year with our jobs and our situation. I almost feel like we don't deserve to have our own place! We are just two young kids trying to be adults... what is that? Packing also makes the reality sink in a little more - we are going to be homeowners and we better get moving, literally! Living on the edge!

Those three items put me on the edge - the edge of my comfort zone. What defines the edge? Why do I feel anxious about these wonderful things? God tells us, "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

This is what I will do - no more living on the edge!

Its one of those things...

Summer always passes by too fast! Its one of those things. First you're excited to get all of those things done that you thought of in the spring. Craft projects, cleaning, exercising, etc. And then, all of a sudden its the middle of August and you're fretting about getting anything done with the time you have left!

I am so blessed to have summer vacation and I wouldn't trade it for anything. However, I have to admit that I like the structure of the school year because for some reason, I actually get things done. I wake up early to exercise. I plan time during the evenings and weekends to do get all the cleaning done. I set aside Saturdays to do craft projects. Oh well. I'm rested and ready to become anxious every night about school again.

On a side note, we are buying a house. Its one of those things too that people would like to do and feel like its the next step. Well, it is our next step in the line of life. God really opened the door to a house in Reedsburg and we are excited to fix it up! Key words are fix it up. It needs a lot of work, but we are excited to tackle it. I don't like to watch HGTV for nothing!

Impossible!

Impossible! For a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carriage, Impossible! Cinderella was thinking the same thing as I am - why do things seem so impossible sometimes? Finding a job you love, getting a house, finding friends that are cool... I could go on. Sometimes it seems the only way to have something happen is to make that leap of fatih and try something. Its scary, but it then becomes... Possible.

School is out, time is plentiful and summer vacation is amazing. Hope you all make your impossibles, ...possibles!

Go ahead and ruin it!

Students were working today, things were going smoothly, and what happens eighth hour? A student tries to rearrange an equation to make it more simple, but has a mistake. So i kindly say, "Good thought, however, it is not possible to rearrange it this way because..." and then I go on about why it is not possible. So I show them and then they say "WELL... in physics we did this and we learned how to do this, and we know all this, and blah... blah... blah..." So i say, "I understand that idea and in physics if you can simplify that way, great. However, you can't do it this way because..." and then I go into another reason about why you can't. They just look at each other with smug grins and wait until I am finished. The bell rings and they pack up and say as I'm walking away, "Okay, whatever, I wasn't even listening so I didn't get any of that."

Okay? Whatever? Yeah, you're right, your knowledge of math and the two years that you have actually studied it are more knowledgable than my degree and my abilities. Yeah, you're right that I'm wasting my time helping you when I could have been helping other students that actually want to listen and do care. Yeah, you're right you're getting a C- because you don't hand in the homework. Yeah, you're right your attitude is the worst I've seen in one human being. So go ahead, ruin my day with your smug grins and lazy attitude.

God has blessed me with the knowledge of math and the patience to persist in times of difficulty. So try to ruin my day - because you can't.

Faced!

I got faced by the wind this morning! Literally! Unknowingly, I ran this morning in the chilly -1 degree weather. That wouldn't even have been so bad if there wasn't the wind! With wind chills it was -25 degrees. YIKES! Sometimes I'm not motivated to run, I wish that was the case today. However, I trekked it out and enjoyed the thrill!

In other news, school is going well, and I can't wait for Christmas break in a week! WOO HOO! I mean, I love those fun high schoolers, but I'm ready for a break! What would you do with a break? I'm curious, let me know...

Frightful!

Halloween is frightful, but that's not what I'm talking about now...

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but our apartment is so delightful. And since we've not place to go.... let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!!!

Yes, it was snowing out today. It was pretty. It made me think of hot chocolate, christmas music, the smell of a warm pie in the oven. It was wonderful. Now don't get me wrong here. I love fall, and I don't want it to snow any time soon. But it was so beautiful out today... I just couldn't believe it!

So where ever you are... think of snow and hot chocolate, warm pie, and all your cares will just melt away ;)