I ADORE Jonah's little voice. He is just learning how to form sentences and put words together to ask questions. One of his favorites (and mine too) is, "Where go?" Recently, I've been asking this question as well. Not in the sense Jonah is - he implies, "Where did he go?" My version is more along the lines of, "Where do we go?"
Where do we go from here? I've never really been one to say that I was going to be a teacher my whole life. I also did not really have an idea of an alternative for this. I mean, I always assumed I would stay home with my kids when the time came and then magically go back into teaching when they were school-aged. What I'm finding lately is that things don't always go according to plan (even if it is a faint plan that was just the way you thought it would naturally be).
So now that things are different, "Where go?" The path isn't showing up any too quickly. So decisions are going to have to start being made. So what will happen? Discernment of your future is no easy thing. We have good friends that knew from the moment they met one another that they were going to be missionaries. This was their dream. I admire them (and am even somewhat jealous of them). Don't get me wrong, I don't believe this is my calling to be a missionary, but they KNEW. They just knew. It is a challenging road for them, but it is one that was marked out more clearly than mine, or so it would seem.
I've sought out the advice of many who I hold dear. Should I stay home and do the necessary daycare to help our family, or do I continue to teach and take on one more class? The advice has been, "Do what's best for your family," "Pray about it and you will know," etc. The difference is that the vibe or the undertones of many of the conversations are mixed. The women I care deeply about have strongly indicated that staying home, no matter what, is the only option. "God will provide, He always does." In which I agree whole heartedly. But did God provide me with a job? Or will God provide other children to watch if I stay home? With this group, I almost feel an immediate judgment. Why wouldn't you stay home? Its what's best for your kids. And then I feel guilty and like a horrible mommy.
So... Where go? Right now, I will continue to do my best to listen and wait for the path that is being laid in front of me.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Get out of gear?
We have an awesome new superintendent this year and he created a theme for the year - Gears. There were four things that made the gears work. Essentially if you are being an effective educator your gear is grinding a steady pace and your students are excelling along with that. I feel like my school gear is going well, but the gears in my mind is spinning out of control!
We are expecting baby #2 in July. This has brought up many thoughts, excitements, fears, etc. in my mind but mostly since finding out about this joyous news - my mind has not stopped!
Maybe my four big things for life gears is my relationship with God, my family, my friends and my job.
My relationship with God has been MUCH stronger this past year into now than years past. I've enjoyed reading much more and I think its because its reading with a purpose. I am reading books about parenting and about kids that brings some sort of direction for my questions and prayers for God. I think before I thought it was too difficult to just pick something because we didn't have kids and a lot of the books people recommended were good for when you have kids. Well... they weren't lying and I'm loving it. So I feel like that gear is moving well.
My family is awesome!! We are going to soon be a family of four and up until we found out, I was terrified to have more than just Jonah. I love him SO VERY MUCH that I wasn't sure how it would work to have another one. Well, my love has already grown and so has Jonah, so there is reason to have more because your kids change and so do you (all for the better). Jonah is an amazing little boy, but he certainly keeps me on my toes too! This is one gear that is about to take off because I am always thinking about my decisions and my actions before, during and after I do ANYTHING with him. Was that the right thing to do? How is this going to work? I don't think that was the right consequence for his actions. I guess that's one of the many THOUSANDS of reasons parents are tired all the time. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who is experiencing this right along with me so that when neither of us are sure... we have someone to talk to about it and figure it out. My cup runs over with my family.
Friends. Who has em? Not this girl. I have tried so hard to make friends around Reedsburg. I did make a close friend, but things got weird and now she's moving away. I know people grow and change, but have I changed so much that I no longer know how to make friends? I also met another woman not to long ago, and I fear I came on too strong. I'm younger and I feel like I want her and I to be so good of friends that I pushed too hard. Everyone always told me that when you have kids you meet people. Where??? Now my mom tries to reassure me that when Jonah is in school I will meet people. Yeah... okay... Lately I just want to move away thinking that there are more people out there that are wanting friends too, maybe if I just move to that city it will happen. But I know in my heart the same things will happen. Guess I better wait until Jonah's in school. Goodness, this gear is out of control.
Finally my job, as of late is the most ambiguous, anxiety-wielding thing of them all. What should I do next year?? I am currently 50%, but this amount won't sustain us financially when we have two kids. The problem is I absolutely LOVE the balance of school and family. So do I ask for one more class? Do I take the leap and stay home? It is my decision (according to Simeon), but I can tell it stresses him out too. Can I be away from Jonah and VZ #2 for another year?? Can I actually leave a job I love? Worst gear of them all right now.
So with all these crazy thoughts and questions spinning around - what would you do? I am just waiting on God to show me. He's better at decisions. If he doesn't physically show me, then I'll do my best to make that decision. In the mean time.... I am just tired, and so are my gears.
We are expecting baby #2 in July. This has brought up many thoughts, excitements, fears, etc. in my mind but mostly since finding out about this joyous news - my mind has not stopped!
Maybe my four big things for life gears is my relationship with God, my family, my friends and my job.
My relationship with God has been MUCH stronger this past year into now than years past. I've enjoyed reading much more and I think its because its reading with a purpose. I am reading books about parenting and about kids that brings some sort of direction for my questions and prayers for God. I think before I thought it was too difficult to just pick something because we didn't have kids and a lot of the books people recommended were good for when you have kids. Well... they weren't lying and I'm loving it. So I feel like that gear is moving well.
My family is awesome!! We are going to soon be a family of four and up until we found out, I was terrified to have more than just Jonah. I love him SO VERY MUCH that I wasn't sure how it would work to have another one. Well, my love has already grown and so has Jonah, so there is reason to have more because your kids change and so do you (all for the better). Jonah is an amazing little boy, but he certainly keeps me on my toes too! This is one gear that is about to take off because I am always thinking about my decisions and my actions before, during and after I do ANYTHING with him. Was that the right thing to do? How is this going to work? I don't think that was the right consequence for his actions. I guess that's one of the many THOUSANDS of reasons parents are tired all the time. Thankfully I have an amazing husband who is experiencing this right along with me so that when neither of us are sure... we have someone to talk to about it and figure it out. My cup runs over with my family.
Friends. Who has em? Not this girl. I have tried so hard to make friends around Reedsburg. I did make a close friend, but things got weird and now she's moving away. I know people grow and change, but have I changed so much that I no longer know how to make friends? I also met another woman not to long ago, and I fear I came on too strong. I'm younger and I feel like I want her and I to be so good of friends that I pushed too hard. Everyone always told me that when you have kids you meet people. Where??? Now my mom tries to reassure me that when Jonah is in school I will meet people. Yeah... okay... Lately I just want to move away thinking that there are more people out there that are wanting friends too, maybe if I just move to that city it will happen. But I know in my heart the same things will happen. Guess I better wait until Jonah's in school. Goodness, this gear is out of control.
Finally my job, as of late is the most ambiguous, anxiety-wielding thing of them all. What should I do next year?? I am currently 50%, but this amount won't sustain us financially when we have two kids. The problem is I absolutely LOVE the balance of school and family. So do I ask for one more class? Do I take the leap and stay home? It is my decision (according to Simeon), but I can tell it stresses him out too. Can I be away from Jonah and VZ #2 for another year?? Can I actually leave a job I love? Worst gear of them all right now.
So with all these crazy thoughts and questions spinning around - what would you do? I am just waiting on God to show me. He's better at decisions. If he doesn't physically show me, then I'll do my best to make that decision. In the mean time.... I am just tired, and so are my gears.
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