Auld Lang...

The name January comes from the Roman god of beginnings, of past and future, Janus; he is depicted as having two faces looking in opposite directions. I love this visual. How we look back at our year in review and try to remember all the things that we have had happen, that we’ve seen, that we’ve learned, and in this time try to draw a life lesson from it.

However, as I try to revisit the grand old year of 2005, I can’t help but think that I’m all the wiser to what not to do, and only informed of what is happening now. Each year I grow smarter and more mature (or I’d like to think so). Each year big things happen and I learn from them. So as we look back at this year, let’s think about Janus and what we’ve seen.

Being the Roman god of past and future, beginnings, bridges, doorways, and of peace, it’s appropriate to look at the things that reflect these. So let’s begin. In no particular order, something that was a bridge in my life would be my transfer to UW-Platteville. It was something that involved my past and my future (hence the bridge). As I look at the bridge, I’m glad by the fact that I’m over it and onto my new situation. Not that the old was terrible (quite the opposite), but excited with what I’ve seen so far on the other side.

My doorway could be described as my role in Intervarsity. Becoming a small group leader was a huge open doorway for my spiritual walk, and I cannot imagine any other way that I would have grown this year. It was an absolute blessing. The thing that is my past is Winona. I loved Winona, and I wouldn’t trade my experience for the world (heck I met my best friend there). But I am glad that it is my past and that I’m happy where I am now.

I’ve saved the best for last. My beginning is the most exciting thing to me. When things are just beginning I find it easy to get caught up in all the hustle and bustle, but I have a good feeling about this beginning. My most memorable beginning actually just happened, and I am excited that as the new year begins, my new life at Platteville begins, and my new perspective on things begins, my new relationship begins as well. Simeon is amazing, and I cannot wait to spend more time with him and create more memories.

So as you look backwards and forwards this year, don’t forget to look sideways and up and down, for sometimes the best time of the year is when you get the best of the new one and the old one, so you can see the new beginnings. What are some of your favorite memories of 2005?

Before Technicolor...

Should things be in plain black and white, or is it okay to have a grey area? I've been thinking recently, that sometimes there are things that should seem black and white, but when you actually experince them, its all shades of grey.

You know you like someone, that's pretty clear; you know you want to date them, that's pretty clear too. But when things actually start to happen, it gets fuzzy. You now are dating - how do you act? How do you introduce each other? How do you spend time together, yet spend time apart? Will you have to meet the parents? When they are gone, do you go to visit? How serious do you want this to be?

If there were no grey area, i guess there would be many ups and downs, and never just times where you are there, living life. so maybe we need the grey area in life to lead up to the blacks and whites. There are still some aspects of life that are black and white. I mean, life or death, and i choose life. You like the person, that's pretty clear, what more could you want?

I DO want the grey though, i want to experience things and learn along the way. That's the excitement of relationships.

Wish me luck tonight :)

The only kid...

Do you remember when you were younger and there was always a kid on the playground that forgot their shoes because it had snowed, and they wore their boots? If you were ever this kid, you know how it feels. You feel retarded and socially you turn into a leper because you are wearing your pink moon boots. I was this kid more than once. But...is it so bad to be this kid? Should we want to be the outcast or the in crowd?

I've been thinking lately that maybe its not so bad being alone. Maybe Paul was right in his activism towards solidarity. Did God really create us to be put together? Although i think we need the company and fellowship sometimes, i'm not sure that we need the "other half."

I've been struggling lately with where i am in my relationships. Friends are amazing, but what are they good for? Or maybe its just that a certain type of friendship is all we need. Let's say we were that kid from the playground. We are forced to the outside corners of the social pecking order and we never even get a bite. What would be so bad about that? You get more of the imagination rights (no other kids messing up your story line), you get instant access to the swings because you, unlike the others, already have your boots on, and you get to think for yourself and see the world in a completely different light.

I'm not saying that i don't appreciate my friends...if i didn't have meredith in my life, i'd be messed up. She is my best friend in the entire world. I got lucky finding her when i did. But i'm not near her now. Who should i be friends with? Guys are NOT good friends - they only lead to confusing and heart ache. The girls thus far at p-vegas can't form an emotion for the life of them, and my family is my family...sometimes i just don't want to tell them everything (they are too involved already and won't be objective about the situation).

So i'm torn...in these next two years of my life, should i just be a nomad and travel around not connected to anyone? or should i find those few people that may make my time barable until i can be near Meredith again? And that's the other thing...what if i've already had my time with meredith and when i'm ready, she's already got friends.

Oh, how i wish life wouldn't be so dependant on answers....

Oh, and by the way...its snowing...again...time to slip and fall again.

Confused Confucius?

When life gets cloudy, we immediately want it to be clear. When math starts to get challenging people decide it isn’t for them. When relationships start to become confusing, people want answers. Is life really that particular that we need answers right away? Are we the cause of all the confusion or is it really that complicated?

I am subject to wanting answers, and wanting them now. Who doesn’t want to know how life is going to end up? Myself, for one. Even though I want answers, why would you wish your life away and spoil the ending? Life is pretty straight-forward in some aspects. There is no surprise ending when dealing with life or death – to live is death, and to die is gain. So why in our lives do we try to muddy up the equation?

When two added to two is four, its simple. Then we want to try to add some spice to the equation and say that the square root of two squared plus two raised to the first power is…still four. Hmm, is that really that confusing? Let’s try it again; we need some more excitement. Let’s say that the sum of e to the natural log of two, plus six raised to the zero power times the cubed root of eight equals…four. Puzzling, right? The only thing that is puzzling is that in each of the situations, we try to make it mean more and be more complicated than it really is, but each time, it comes out to be four.

Now, I’m not saying that life isn’t a fuzzy shade of gray sometimes, but when it comes to the important things in life – life itself, love, truth, meaning – its as clear as day. So in relationships, when things are getting confusing there is no need to try to solve the problem. There are ways of dealing with it to make it less confusing. You could just ask the person what is going on. You could avoid the situation completely, or you could just keep going on, knowing that when it comes to being loved, or loving, you’re already taken care of, this is just an added bonus.

I haven’t quite solved this equation yet, but I think it could be a little bit of everything, and hopefully it still all adds up to four.

Loraine is gone?

Sometimes things happen in life that are difficult to deal with. They create awkward moments and stress. However there are two benefits to these situations: 1) You learn from it and 2) You see things clearer than when you started. I think its really cool how God works in the relationships we build and work at.

It makes me wonder how God plans all these mishaps and blunders, yet plans the beauty and fun of other things. Maybe we have to go through the awkward times in order to experience the comfort. Maybe its like a pre-requisite in order to get into the good - you have to suffer! I guess i would almost hope this is the way it works.

If people didn't ever experience the horrible workings of relationships and the world, they might never learn and see what can happen. I think its better to know and appreciate what has happened in the past in order to appreciate what is given to us in our future. the things we have to weigh out in order to see that God has given and taken away are big things.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently and he said that we have to examine what we are with that other person. If we bear more fruit together or apart, and if the answer is apart, then its time to reconsider the relationship. This could be one of the hardest things, because of two reasons: It could be hard because you truly like the other person, and you don't want to give it up, or it could be hard because you're not sure about the other person, and the thought of being with them scares you, but you're so good together. That raises a question in my mind - if you aren't interested in that other person, should you try it and hope that God provides the attraction because you are so good together, or should you just stay as friends, but close as a couple?

And how do we, as humans that sin, know so early on that things aren't right? How do we know that when we say no, its for God's will, and not our own? Challenging questions, and i want feedback! I love to hear what others have to say, so let me know...

But until God shows me some of these answers, i guess i can see clearly now...loraine is gone :) (bad joke, i know)